People

Why do I even trust in anyone besides myself? Perhaps it's my human pyschological need to have some sort of emotional dependancy upon having acceptance, friendship, and understanding. Having those is grand, but when your friends constantly neglect to include you in something that wouldn't take but maybe three minutes of thought, it makes one question whether they would have you around as much as they'd lead you to believe.

Throughout school I was nothing more than a social tool to some, and a person people befriended through 'pity'. I can't say I had any real friends; In the end, they wound up leaving me behind. I had one friend I trusted, Andrew Dotson, whom I turned to whenever I had problems. If not for him, I would've wound up in my trouble that I've been in now. When my attitude landed me in trouble about both highschools I attended, I dropped out for home schooling and afterwards it was like...I was nothing to him. Daniel O'neal is another case, but in this one, I was something to be 'compared to'. He befriended me but only appreciated, and I use the term lightly, my humour when we were hanging around each other privately. Around others, he put on this act as if he were too good to cut up. I think the one thing that stands out in my mind is how he told me he was friends with me so people would think he was charitable. And I tried making friends with other people and the only people I could befriend were those out of visiting reach and through other people. I don't think it's because I'm inept at being social, I think it's I'm naive.

Move up north to New York and I come in contact with more two-faced people, more so than what I met in the south. For starters: My ex-girlfriend Melanie lied to me about her smoking before we got together, lied to me about her conversations with her ex-husband, spread gossip to all her friends, and was almost always hiding her emotions from me. Her friends, in turn, treated me as if I were welcomed, but it was all to mock my naivete. They'd all converse through IM, and no one had a high opinion of me, despite my efforts to be humourously welcoming. Then came my current girlfriends mother and family and how they always took Melanie's side when something went wrong, and no body asked for my side of the matter until it was almost all over. Once I started dating Terri, my every action was, and still is, somewhat, being watched. If she did anything out of her normal character, it was all my influence, even though it was her decision to act that way. Then, upon moving back up here a second time to New York, I hear that a guy I befriended, Scott, doesn't want anything to do with me, to find out later he does. And I can see from typing this that it's a confusing mess of social deceit that I have to put up with and it's amazing I haven't moved back to GA and just stay put.

So I ask myself again; Why do I trust people instead of just trusting in myself? I believe that maybe I want to believe that there is good in the people I know, some compassion to think of others besides themselves. But then again....They've all known Terri longer than me, and they treat her the same. Perhaps I'm doomed to be an outcast, and should accept that. Whenever they 'want' me around, they'll have me....