I've grown sick of it, truly. There's absolutely nothing to gain in online gaming besides the company of people while wasting time. Same goes for Facebook and Myspace, or any outlet. It's all a senseless waste of time where people assume you're being productive in communication but...all we're doing is losing touch with the holder ways of communication between human beings. I think I'm going to slowly graviate toward not being online hardly at all unless it's to check something.
But....It harbors far too much for me. And I'm done with it.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
People
Why do I even trust in anyone besides myself? Perhaps it's my human pyschological need to have some sort of emotional dependancy upon having acceptance, friendship, and understanding. Having those is grand, but when your friends constantly neglect to include you in something that wouldn't take but maybe three minutes of thought, it makes one question whether they would have you around as much as they'd lead you to believe.
Throughout school I was nothing more than a social tool to some, and a person people befriended through 'pity'. I can't say I had any real friends; In the end, they wound up leaving me behind. I had one friend I trusted, Andrew Dotson, whom I turned to whenever I had problems. If not for him, I would've wound up in my trouble that I've been in now. When my attitude landed me in trouble about both highschools I attended, I dropped out for home schooling and afterwards it was like...I was nothing to him. Daniel O'neal is another case, but in this one, I was something to be 'compared to'. He befriended me but only appreciated, and I use the term lightly, my humour when we were hanging around each other privately. Around others, he put on this act as if he were too good to cut up. I think the one thing that stands out in my mind is how he told me he was friends with me so people would think he was charitable. And I tried making friends with other people and the only people I could befriend were those out of visiting reach and through other people. I don't think it's because I'm inept at being social, I think it's I'm naive.
Move up north to New York and I come in contact with more two-faced people, more so than what I met in the south. For starters: My ex-girlfriend Melanie lied to me about her smoking before we got together, lied to me about her conversations with her ex-husband, spread gossip to all her friends, and was almost always hiding her emotions from me. Her friends, in turn, treated me as if I were welcomed, but it was all to mock my naivete. They'd all converse through IM, and no one had a high opinion of me, despite my efforts to be humourously welcoming. Then came my current girlfriends mother and family and how they always took Melanie's side when something went wrong, and no body asked for my side of the matter until it was almost all over. Once I started dating Terri, my every action was, and still is, somewhat, being watched. If she did anything out of her normal character, it was all my influence, even though it was her decision to act that way. Then, upon moving back up here a second time to New York, I hear that a guy I befriended, Scott, doesn't want anything to do with me, to find out later he does. And I can see from typing this that it's a confusing mess of social deceit that I have to put up with and it's amazing I haven't moved back to GA and just stay put.
So I ask myself again; Why do I trust people instead of just trusting in myself? I believe that maybe I want to believe that there is good in the people I know, some compassion to think of others besides themselves. But then again....They've all known Terri longer than me, and they treat her the same. Perhaps I'm doomed to be an outcast, and should accept that. Whenever they 'want' me around, they'll have me....
Throughout school I was nothing more than a social tool to some, and a person people befriended through 'pity'. I can't say I had any real friends; In the end, they wound up leaving me behind. I had one friend I trusted, Andrew Dotson, whom I turned to whenever I had problems. If not for him, I would've wound up in my trouble that I've been in now. When my attitude landed me in trouble about both highschools I attended, I dropped out for home schooling and afterwards it was like...I was nothing to him. Daniel O'neal is another case, but in this one, I was something to be 'compared to'. He befriended me but only appreciated, and I use the term lightly, my humour when we were hanging around each other privately. Around others, he put on this act as if he were too good to cut up. I think the one thing that stands out in my mind is how he told me he was friends with me so people would think he was charitable. And I tried making friends with other people and the only people I could befriend were those out of visiting reach and through other people. I don't think it's because I'm inept at being social, I think it's I'm naive.
Move up north to New York and I come in contact with more two-faced people, more so than what I met in the south. For starters: My ex-girlfriend Melanie lied to me about her smoking before we got together, lied to me about her conversations with her ex-husband, spread gossip to all her friends, and was almost always hiding her emotions from me. Her friends, in turn, treated me as if I were welcomed, but it was all to mock my naivete. They'd all converse through IM, and no one had a high opinion of me, despite my efforts to be humourously welcoming. Then came my current girlfriends mother and family and how they always took Melanie's side when something went wrong, and no body asked for my side of the matter until it was almost all over. Once I started dating Terri, my every action was, and still is, somewhat, being watched. If she did anything out of her normal character, it was all my influence, even though it was her decision to act that way. Then, upon moving back up here a second time to New York, I hear that a guy I befriended, Scott, doesn't want anything to do with me, to find out later he does. And I can see from typing this that it's a confusing mess of social deceit that I have to put up with and it's amazing I haven't moved back to GA and just stay put.
So I ask myself again; Why do I trust people instead of just trusting in myself? I believe that maybe I want to believe that there is good in the people I know, some compassion to think of others besides themselves. But then again....They've all known Terri longer than me, and they treat her the same. Perhaps I'm doomed to be an outcast, and should accept that. Whenever they 'want' me around, they'll have me....
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A release
I couldn't take it anymore. Dating a girl that haunts my both my profiles, one more than the other, leaves me for less than desired privacy. When I post on Facebook, people see it and will either report to her or not care. On Myspace, I've forsaken that site for it's nothing but hassle, but in reality, aren't they both? A separate email, a new blog, a new start with my mind. It's grand. What's sad is that I have four emails I work with, all of which I'll save to my computer right now in a file so I won't forget the passwords.
I'll admit to myself right now I have problems; First and foremost is that despite what convictions and revelations I may reach, I'm not over her. I've access to her photobucket and the picture I saw tonight not only excited me but internally infuriated me at the same time. Thinking on it, I'm not cut out to date people with my mind caught up on her; Is it my mind, or my heart? Or perhaps even a soul? That's subject to debate but at the moment, how could something so...SIMPLE..as a picture of her practically topless excite me so badly? Do I miss the curvilinear mold of her body, being quite the beautiful and seductive young woman she is? Do I miss her compassion, her style, her grace, her everything? Or am I chasing a ghost?
I don't know. My mind isn't focused on her but perhaps it's in the subconscience. Maybe even a fragment of my heart and soul yearn for her, and in turn, I treat each subsequent girlfriend afterwards as if they were nothing but a mere replacement? If so, then why is it all I can do is hurt those who grow attached and leave them stranded as I shuffle my feet foward toward my next destination? Maybe it's destiny.
Second is my self loathing anger that branches out and attacks others through some reasoning that refuses to allow me to accept myself. This one is tricky...I'm not sure how to handle it, truly, all I can do is keep my anger contained at bay. There are other problems but honestly, I don't want to type about them. I can't, my mind's warped from the image I just saw....
I'll admit to myself right now I have problems; First and foremost is that despite what convictions and revelations I may reach, I'm not over her. I've access to her photobucket and the picture I saw tonight not only excited me but internally infuriated me at the same time. Thinking on it, I'm not cut out to date people with my mind caught up on her; Is it my mind, or my heart? Or perhaps even a soul? That's subject to debate but at the moment, how could something so...SIMPLE..as a picture of her practically topless excite me so badly? Do I miss the curvilinear mold of her body, being quite the beautiful and seductive young woman she is? Do I miss her compassion, her style, her grace, her everything? Or am I chasing a ghost?
I don't know. My mind isn't focused on her but perhaps it's in the subconscience. Maybe even a fragment of my heart and soul yearn for her, and in turn, I treat each subsequent girlfriend afterwards as if they were nothing but a mere replacement? If so, then why is it all I can do is hurt those who grow attached and leave them stranded as I shuffle my feet foward toward my next destination? Maybe it's destiny.
Second is my self loathing anger that branches out and attacks others through some reasoning that refuses to allow me to accept myself. This one is tricky...I'm not sure how to handle it, truly, all I can do is keep my anger contained at bay. There are other problems but honestly, I don't want to type about them. I can't, my mind's warped from the image I just saw....
Why...am I jealous after more than five years?
I'll use this blog to figure myself out, and perhaps reach some answers. And to get away from everyone on FB...
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